Dear heart,

I held my you in my hands. You were finally pumping, red, alive, strong. I clenched you and whispered angrily,
“Why now? Why do you have to change now?!”
From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I was captivated.
I felt pain, vulnerability, hate, love, want, desire.
Once cold, you were warm underneath my fingertips. I exhaled at the touch.
The room stilled and I knew the answer.
When you were cold I felt nothing. Not the hate of an enemy or love of a friend.
Now that I feel, it burns…. But I’m feeling.
I brought you to my chest and tucked you away.

I used to think that not feeling made me happy. In a world where I touched unfamiliar faces, I could do most anything. But what is worth doing so much if you can’t capture emotion while your embracing it.
I’d rather want a million impossible things and feel,
Then want a realistic possibility and forget what it means to be alive.

Pain has never felt so sweet.

Dear anon,

I am a sincere believer that people come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes, it’s because we need a shoulder. Sometimes, it’s because we need someone who understands us. Sometimes, it’s simply to feel. To be angry, to be in love, to be inspired. Through out our lives we want different things, we need different things. I’m often amazed at how people enter our lives accordingly.
This also applies to those we have been a relationship with. When you are in a relationship with someone, you share yourself. You open up and give them a little piece of you. They were meant to have that piece, as you were meant to accept a piece of them. A lot of times, problems arise and two people don’t end up working out. A lot of time, the two don’t communicate anymore. I believe that when we end a relationship with someone, we can never be as close to them as we were before. Part of you is broken. Part of them is broken. And that’s okay, because they were there for the parts of your life that they needed to be.
Sometimes, we get lucky enough to find a friendship in someone that we’ve loved. But that’s rare. When hearts feel so strongly and so deeply, it’s hard to say, “Dear heart, change now. Feel less.”
But in the end… that little piece that you gave to them was never returned. It’s kept safe, just like you keep the piece they gave you safe. And you don’t need to call each other everyday, or talk like your best friends.
Because when we lose someone, there is always a part of them that we’ll get to keep.
Love never leaves. Nor does it die. Love has an appropriate time & place.
And sometimes, love needs to be tucked away, and simply remembered.

It's amazing what happens in one day.

A life is created and a life is lost. A heart has been broken and a heart has been mended. Something truly wonderful has been created and something truly wonderful has been torn apart. Dreams are being thought up and some dreams are crumbling. Tears are falling and tears are being wiped away. Two people have just met for the first time and two people have just said their final goodbye. In one day someone has been proposed to. And in one day someone has heard, “I want a divorce.” A child is homeless and a child has been adopted. Someone feels lost and someone else feels found. Someone is in the hospital and someone can finally use their legs again, or their eyes, or their ears. The sun is rising on one side of the world and setting on the other.
In one day so much happiness is wading through our world. And in one day so much sadness is falling on us as well.
Right now, every kind of human emotion is being felt somewhere by someone.
Extraordinary miracles are happening. Change, love, hate, beauty, is somewhere.
We forget that other lives are continuously moving around us. People are coping with death, loss, pain. People are falling in love, laughing, touching.
And right now. This second. This very moment you are reading this,
a life has just been taken and a baby is being born.
Life is everywhere. And in one day, life is new. In one day….
something will happen somewhere for the first time and the last time.
In one day, someone somewhere is taking their very last breath as you are breathing in the oxygen around you.

You are still living. You are still breathing. You are living right now, this one day.

Wanting

To want is a curse. It's a curse meant to drive the human mind beyond it's limits and capacity to hold pain.

Wanting never stops.

It begins when the sun rises, and pulls down on your mind when the sun falls.

Sometimes you get close to filling that hole of selfishness. But once it even remotely becomes a filled, a new hole opens up.

Bigger & deeper.

Till eventually you're a human that is constructed of endless holes.

And you frantically run around, trying to find anything to fill them. Desperate to stop wishing. Desperate to stop wanting.

Some people want very little. They are selfless. I usually pity them, because even the small amount they want, they never receive.

But then, it's very rare that we get what we want at all.

Life is full of constant disappointments, and selective pick-me-ups.

It's so much wiser to want less. Because then you wind up less disappointed.

But to those of you that long for the world. To those of you that feel condemned for how much you wish you could carry in your hand... It's you I truly feel for.

You know what it's like to be filled with empty holes.

You know what it's like to fall asleep with nothing.

You know what it's like to hate yourself for being so selfish.

You know what it's like to constantly be unsatisfied.

I've wasted my life looking for things to fill me up.

But I don't know how to stop... wanting...

Sometimes I feel so different,

I constantly listen to movie scores.

I bite my nails.

I find it hard to have a lighthearted conversation.

I believe the fortunes in fortunes cookies.

I am not scared of spiders.

I don't like boys.

I still watch Beauty & The Beast, and I still get scared when the beast rawrs.

I view my life in 3rd person.

I am tan, but I wish I was pale.

I can relate to birds, more than the people around me.

I still don't know how to do my make up well.

I love star wars.

I don't know anything about football.

I cry during a movie, not because of the scene, but because of the soundtrack.

I don't ever use my cell phone.

I am a gay, mormon, republican.

I enjoy kissing more than sex.

I can't remember my dreams.

I have never smoked, tasted alcohol, or done drugs.

I believe in ghosts and life outside our planet.

I would rather fly alone than with someone else.

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I love to be woken up by another person, no matter how early it is.

and I always want what I can never have.

So often I let people go in my life,

but when someone can love me, despite my many imperfections and differences...

then I desperately cling onto them.

Because I don't even want to love myself.

This is for YOU.

I am still puzzled that people’s interpretation of themselves is so inaccurate. It seems that the more I am around new people, the more I am reminded that it is very rare that people view themselves with realistic eyes.
I believe that it is because of this reason that we often fail to get along with one another. If I compliment someone, they think the only reason I’m complimenting them is to be nice. If I criticize someone, they feel that I don’t understand them and therefore clearly I am mistaken in my constructive advice. There is always some level of perception. I will most likely view you differently then the way you view yourself. But when it comes down to it, we don’t try hard enough to view ourselves in a realistic way.

We think, “I’m ugly.” “I’m kind.” “I’m selfless.” “I’m worthless.” Ect.

Usually, the negative qualities we see others the most, are in ourselves. So in other words when you say. “I can’t stand people like ____.” Or “I hate people that ____.”
It is more than likely that you yourself have that problem.

So why do we do it? Why can’t we see ourselves for what we are?

I believe that is for a great many reasons. One being, that it is too painful to accept the selfish qualities we all posses. Sometimes, we have to pretend they are nonexistent, in order to crawl out of bed in the morning. Another being, due to our life circumstances others have convinced us that we are someone other than who we truly are. We start to believe the many great misconceptions that people place on our shoulders.

But I believe the greatest reason, is because we spend almost every moment of our day worrying about others.

“This person did this to me.” “This person said this to me.” “This person did this.” “This person did that.”
Think about it.

We get on myspace everyday and scour through other’s profiles. Making assumptions, assigning titles. It’s inevitable. We all do it. It’s natural. We listen to our friends on the phone and think of the choices they SHOULD be making. Or we point out their qualities and flaws, because that’s easier than focusing on our own. We take other peoples problems on. Not because we are selfless and truly care, but because we WANT to be apart of it. Because deep down we want to be able to say, “When he did that to you, I was so angry.” Even when the situation has NOTHING to do with us! It’s incredible!

The whole irony is how blind we are to our own blindness. Some of you will read this and think, “This isn’t me. I know I’m not like this.” And the fact of the matter is, you are. It’s YOU that refuses to accept the fact that you are naturally selfish. It is YOU that accepts blame not because you really think you did something wrong, but because it will please the person in the conflict with you. It is YOU that thinks the whole world is out to get you. That you have had such a hard life, full of misery, and that no one could possibly understand how you feel or what you’re going through. It is YOU that looks back on your past and thinks, these people should have acted differently. YOU never think, maybe I could have handled it better. Sure, maybe you SAY you think that. But you don’t really. YOU know deep down it was their fault.

I am reading this as I write it. So I apply under the YOU category.
And hey, there are truly selfless people out there, but it’s those people that will read this and think. Yeah… this is me.

It’s YOU that will read this and think…

I have nothing to change.

My experience auditioning for Glee

Intentions

Intentions

I’ve reached a new level of understanding about myself. I think self-discovery can be one of the most exciting things for a person, because when we understand ourselves, we begin the amazing process of understanding others.
That being said, I’ll bring up a quality I posses that I try desperately to get rid of.
Selfishness.
A while back, I had this epiphany… that I was a self-centered and inconsiderate person. Since that day I have tried desperately to transform into the person that I wanted to be. It’s been a slow process, a long 8 months, and an unfinished goal. When I look at where I would like to be, I get very discouraged. But then I look back on the length of road behind me and allow myself to feel a moment of accomplishment for the distance I have traveled.
Although my changing character has effected me for the better, I’ve noticed those around me still seem to be suffering. This is confusing to me. What am I doing wrong? It seems as though my efforts have gone to waste.
But then, if I take a closer look I realize a small difference in the way that I do things.

My intentions.
I’ll give you an example.
When I had the dishes assignment in my house I always completed my task. But while I was scrubbing the dirty plates, pots, and pans, I was thinking about the rewards of finishing my job.
Now, when I have the dishes assignment, I still complete the task. But this time when I’m scrubbing the dirty plates, pots, and pans, I’m thinking about how I am doing something that my busy mom won’t have to.

This doesn’t make me an amazing person. I have worked extremely hard to have the right intentions when doing things like, family dishes.
For most people, they are naturally selfless. So if anything… I am the person scrambling to reach their level.

This approaches my point.
To those on the outside, the people in my life, I would imagine that there seems to be no change at all. After all… I’m still washing the dishes. What else is new?
The only person that can recognize WHY I am washing the dishes is myself.
Yes, I will continue to hurt those around me. Sometimes it will be because I’m selfish. But other times, it will be because I am human. And although my intentions are sincere, I may still fall short.
But at least, I will understand that my WHY was sincere. And I can simply look back and change my error in the future.

So in reality… being selfless isn’t just for those that surround us, it’s for ourselves.

How incredibly ironic: selflessness can be ones own self, for ones own happiness.
But only if the intention for selflessness… isselfless.

3/23/09

Today I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I wish I knew what to feel.

Relief? I have a name to my problem.

Anger? That I didn't see it sooner.

Sadness? Because of what that entitles.

I'm finding some gratitude that it wasn't something more severe.

But I can't help but sit and read the name over and over.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

It feels like that name belongs to someone else.

I guess that means I'm surprised more than anything.

I really don't know much at all about life.

And even more so, I don't know much at all about myself.

appreciating the flower,

All of us want to be realistic.

It spares disappointment.

It spares loss.

It spares misfortune.

No one wants to say they hoped for something,

that in the end... never really happened.

I would say I am probably an expert at this.

At looking at the "reality" of a situation.

But reality is cruel right?

It hurts.

Thankfully underneath all the build up reality, is a little hope.

You have it. We all do.

We just forget about it.

You know, it's that feeling.

When your sitting in your bedroom, and your all alone.

It's late at night.

No one you love is calling or texting.

And every horrific memory comes to mind.

Every past relationship,

every lost friend,

every foolish mistake.

It's all there.

And it's those moments that we say, "I don't believe."

It's in those moments when we feel as though the world is one big lie.

Turning and manipulating stories to convince us it's really good.

That the reality is that nothing lasts forever.

That something that feels good is only temporary and in a moment,

in a split second it will be gone.

I can't help but think about one of my favorite movies "The Thorn Birds"

when this truth comes to mind.

It takes place on a farm in Australia. And this familys farm gets completely burned down.

Everything.

The house, the crops, the animals.

Finally, it stops because of a rain shower.

The youngest daughter is approached by the preach as she is tossing through the aftermath.

She is angry and brings up all the loss that God has brought upon her. The fire, the death of some of her family members.

And the priest turns to her, holding one surviving flower and says, "He brought the rain, he spared the flower."

I'm not saying this to be religious. But moreover, I bring it up to point out

that the reality is also good.

We just are too selfish sometimes to see it.

Those moments when we are in our rooms, and it's dark, and we are alone.

We only think about the fire. The loss.

And under the painful memories, we forget about the rain and the flower.

In the end, we do believe. We dream.

You do.

You look to the future, saying things will be better then.

When I move out things will be better.

When I find the person of my dreams things will be better.

When I get a new place things will be better.

When I get more times with my loved ones things will be better.

The truth is, things are always bad.

& with it, always good.

The bad reality is just easier to see... & easier to remember.

but it's not about the future.

It's about appreciating the flower.

I drew once

Pretty lines, sweet escape.

I drew once.

It formed an odd face. Diluted. Fake.

I thought hard about who it was. - - - I think it was myself.

Today I wanted more from you,

but I was terrified to speak. I always want more.

Thats what makes me so selfish.

I hid behind the typical. It saved me from the truth. From saying it.

It's easier that way,

you never notice.

I hope you do.

My right eye tries to show you what it's seen.

My left eye tries to show you what I really want.

You see neither.

You see nothing.

I've created the blindness. To protect the pretty lines.

To ensure a sweet escape.

This Christmas,

I have a silent admiration for the Christmas season. A small part of me has always loved it's colored lights, and classic songs. But this year I've noticed I've been thinking about what the holiday does for us individually.

Many of us, want the holiday to sweep us into a momentary happiness. It's why people smile at each other in the grocery line. Somehow, we feel ourselves needing to except the goodness of the season and that carry it into our own lives. It gives us all a reason to be just a bit happier, despite our miserable lives.

But I find myself starring out my front room window. The lights are soaked up by the darkness of night. The cold stretches around me, and forces me to be stationary. And as I sit there, wrapped up in a warm blanket, I can't help but think about the little things. The people I can't wait to meet in my life. The days that are ahead of me. The sweet past moments.

I think Christmas spreads a little bit of happiness to all of us.

But for me, this season I'm dreaming of simple things.

This Christmas... I find myself clinging onto everything that makes the world beautiful.

Nothing.

Have you ever felt like you were being over dramatic?
Like an effect happened... and your reaction is outside yourself.
I feel that way constantly. Like a little girl who can't get the doll she wanted.
So in the middle of the store she throws a temper tantrum.
She probably didn't even want the doll that much, but she needs to react that way,
because that way, her mom will suffer for not buying her the doll in the first place.

But then there are times... where we really do want the doll. It's all we could think about. And even rolling around the store floor couldn't adequately express how upset we are over not receiving it.

I feel as though I'm sleeping. And any moment I will wake up. I keep looking around expecting someone to shake me. Tell me I've slept in to long.
I feel as though someone has punched a hole in my chest. And everywhere I go I keep searching for something to fill it. But nothing is big enough. I can't get rid of it. I can't breathe.
I feel as though I've hit the ground. Instead of waking up in the middle of the dream right before you make contact with the floor below, no I've actually hit it.
I feel as though I'm someone else. I keep scrambling to find me in there, but I have taken shelter. And I think I'm close to a point where I won't come out like I usually do.

I think we all have our limits. That line, we all feel it. Every day we get pushed closer and closer. I feel as though I've passed my line. And I'm looking back on the other side. And even though it's a one way street I am running past every oncoming car, desperate to get back to the start, so that none of it happened.

I wish I could forget. I wish I was naive and foolish. Oblivious to what selfishness was. Or pain. Or sorrow.
I wish I could remember only the good things, and push away the bad.
I wish I didn't feel sick.
I wish that I was enough.

I feel small.

I feel empty.

I feel broken.

I feel worthless.


I really wanted the doll.


and in the end... I wonder... how many times can human being be reminded that their worthless until it's too much.
How many people will it take reminding you. Not with words, or phrases, or cunningly sharp insults. But with actions. With typical, casual, simple actions covered by excuses, justifications, and pretty little stories with bows and ribbon that tell you... you're worthless. Not enough.

how much of all that... until every last bit of worth is rung out of you.

And you are left... as nothing.

Moving Forward

I would never go back. Sure I'll admit, some nights I lay in bed and wish that the layout of past events wouldn't have occurred the way they did.
But reversing your life would be like a resistence to nature it self. We are designed to move forward.
Now I can't say what is meant to be. What is chance. What is destiny. But I can say, that time works as an endless strand of dominoes. It is effect. To effect. To effect.
I'm sure, if my life hadn't happened exactly the way it did, I wouldn't be lying here in my bed at 2:19 am in the morning on Saturday the 21st of November typing these words.
Every thing had to occur.

But then, that makes everything so much more important.
Every living breathing organism. Every object. Every fire, breath, tree, light. It's all connected. It's all apart of the domino affect. It's involved in the turning of something else.

I am writing this blog, and the cause is you are reading it. If I had never written it, you would have never read it. Maybe that is insignificant to you. But maybe if you didn't read this blog, you would have done something else. Maybe you weren't supposed to do what you were going to do at this current point in time. And you will never know that. Because you will never know what you would have done.

You are mearly a helpless cause of this event. And when you finish this blog, you will be the cause of another and another. Leading into an endless circle. An infinite life. A continous strand of happenings. All connected, all here, all now.

"One Last Song"

One Last Song - Josiah Leming

The ship was sinking; we were drinking, singing one last song,
Casting our gold into the ocean.
You grabbed a bucket, started screaming, "Come on, come on",
Trying to slow the downward motion.
Back in the kingdom, we were kings and queens and Oh, so strong
That God himself could not contain us.
We never thought we'd be the shorter half of sword and gun.
Now god himself could never save us.

Waves of silver, waves of gold
Are coming now to take me,
To separate my body from my soul
And Jesus leaves or takes me.
Hopes of heaven, fears of hell
Tell me, what's the chance I'll make it.
All my other plans have failed,
And all this time I've faked it.

We started sinking, drinking water from the open sea
Losing our bodies to the ocean.
You grabbed my hand and started screaming, "rescue me"
Together fight the downward motion.
Back in the kingdom we were kings and queens and Oh, so strong
That god himself just had to show us.
We never thought we'd see the colder side of land and sea
But he's the only one who knows us.

Waves of silver, waves of gold
Are coming now to take me,
To separate my body from my soul
And Jesus either leaves or takes me.
Hopes of heaven, fears of hell
Tell me, what's the chance I'll make it.
All my other plans have failed,
And all this time I've faked it. 

Dear Jessy,

This is going to sound extremely dramatic.
I hope you dont assume im trying to complain or gain sympathy.
I think Im going to tell you this, because I need to express it to someone.
Yesterday was one of the most challenging and heartbraking days of my life.
I literally feel completely outside of myself. Its not an overwhelming thread of emotions, but moreover... my emotions have been so incredibly worn, im unsure of what to presume of feel at my current state.
I am utterly exhausted in every possible way.
I would tell you the events that played out, but it would only make me seem incredibly over the top because its difficult for anyone to grasp the magnitude of the situation.
Though, i do not expect you to see what or where im coming from at all. 
I know you are absolutely clueless as to what I am talking about.
But due to the circumstances of the situation, i wont be able to express this to anyone else.

So as i sit here in my bed. At 4 in the morning, i think only to tell how i feel about one of the most devistating experiences of my life to someone i hardly know at all. I think only to tell you.
I dont know how I will crawl out of bed tomorrow.
I dont know how will percieve myself now that it is over.
I only know I have to get out of bed.
I have to wake up and move forward.
Despite my state of mind, I have to find the will power to sustain myself emotionally.
Tomorrow is tomorrow.

Right now that seems like one of the things I know for sure.

Thank you for listening.
You dont even have to respond to this confusing message.
But I am glad I know you in some small way.
Because I needed to know you in this moment.

Thank you dearly.
<3

-Jenna 

Letting loose.

I'm completely out of breath.
I just jumped up and down and singing to Colbie Caillat's - Fallin' For You.
When all else fails... dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7qtLrQVUFQ

Bedbugs Bite.

Last night, I had a dream that something I really wanted to happen would happen. 

When I woke up, my heart was beating very fast, I was sweaty, and I was smiling.

Then... almost instantly I realized it was a dream. 

I was completely devastated. It occurred to me that will never happen, no matter how much I wish it would.

How torturous of the dream... to make me think I was succeeding, only to snap me into failure as quick as the dream had come. 

I wanted to scream, act like a child, throw my pillows, and cry my eyes out. 

I began to curse dreams in my mind, maybe even God for making me have them. 

But as I sat there in my bed, I kept picturing the dream in my mind.

It would replay the dream over and over. Feeling how it felt. Savoring every moment. 

If it wasn't for the dream... I would never have that moment. But I had it. Real or not. I had it.

I exhaled and collected myself. 

Our dreams can be completely devastating, but it's our chance at living fiction.

You can't live your own story any other way. 

My best friend said, "Dreams like that shake you for the day. And then, you forget."

I am grateful for remembering now... until I forget. Until reality soaks in. 

 

Julie & Julia

Today I got home from watching Julie & Julia. 

It was so perfect in it's simplicity. I left the movie feeling fully satisfied, like I had just finished a piece of cake. I wasn't so full that I felt sick to my stomach; but I wasn't left wishing I had eaten more. 

Not only that but it gave me a little bit of pride for writing a blog. Julie wrote her blogs with no viewers at all. Of course later she had thousands of viewers, something that is highly unlikely to happen in my circumstance. However, I feel deeply content with writing to no one. 

I look at writing these blogs like a journal. A public diary that I will never erase or delete.

Though my dark secrets are not written down, what goes through my mind is. And that is high exposer to me.

Just knowing someone could read my thoughts... my strange and obscure opinions, keeps this log on the tip of my tongue.

I have to speak. I have to write.

My moment of severe Immaturity