Wednesday, August 5, 2009
An excerpt from the story I am currently in the process of writing:
As the dew settled across the grass painted through the outside of my window, I was temped to throw open my front door and run, hoping that I could drown myself in it and find some sort of cool temporary relief. This night, unlike others, appeared to stain the sky with a darker black. The stars looked nonexistent and the moon shone through the vacant clouds. What was left of the dark night was in my mind, crawling up behind the dark spaces invading the corners that I tried so hard to lock away. It dared me to reflect on everything I didn’t want to remember, on every little memory I had tried so hard to forget. But the traces and small figments of who I was were apparent in those quiet moments, where no one could distract me from the vacant soul I never wished to become. I didn’t sleep, and when the sun began to rise and break apart the dark sky I exhaled. Now I could begin to forget again and start my day tying all those strings away. And though, the best of me screamed at my unrealistic mindset, I refused to listen. But I knew myself, the fear of the unstoppable force that existed behind my intentional walls caused me to run farther. I knew.
What we run from, what we try desperately to tuck away… follows right behind us begging to be revealed.
Everything is a choice. At least, everything is a choice for the human being externally. We can't decide whether the heart falls hard in love, but we can control what we do after the heart has fallen. There are some things that react purely on instinct like a mouse or a fly. And there are others that act due to circumstances, and their fate is decided on something larger like fire, rain, or water.
I've always been envious of water. It can't help where it flows. It's simply reacting to what is around itself: a glass, rock hose, so on. Sometimes I find myself sitting in front of a lake or ocean, instead of being in it. Because I feel to separated, or too unlike it to apart of it. So instead I sit and watch it involuntarily react to everything around it.
Some people are grateful for a mind and heart. I can't say I'm too happy with it. It's the hardest life you can have. With a cat or dog, they have a one at a time thought process.
Eat. Sleep. Attention. Play. Eat. Play. Attention.
A humans is quite the opposite.
I miss him so much, my heart is breaking. My lower back hurts. What time is it? 5 minutes, okay. Why is that woman starring at me? I should look away. She is still starring, awkward. I should check my phone. Wait no, I shouldn't. I'm obsessing. STOP obsessing. Whatever I'll just check. I'm an idiot, why would i look?! Ow, my back, what time is it? My hair won't stay pinned, I really need a bobby pin. I must look like an idiot. I miss him. He probably isn't even thinking about me. So I'm just wasting my time. But what if it is. Ah my hair!
It's like a curse to me. Why not a tree? That seems much
simpler. I think really we are insanely unlucky, and what we don't
realize is the person standing next to us at the supermarket is
just as unlucky as we are. See you think if anyone got into your
head they wouldn't understand, that would think you were crazy.
But that is the big mistake. They do understand. Because their
mind is running just as fast as yours, but in a different way.
In fact life sort of understands itself. We are like the fire
because we can't stop going. And the tree, because we live and
die. The fact that we build walls for ourselves is just ridiculous.
They are going to protect what, getting hurt? But if we are
human we will hurt others as well.
So really, our best bet is to tear down all walls, put on a
helmet and accept the fact that you are like the person next
to you at the grocery store. And now matter how much you don't
want to relate to the person that has broken your heart or let
you fall, you have to. The reality is, we hate those that disappoint
us because of how we are similar. They mess up just like you.
We have to live with that. We have to live knowing how
similar life really is to itself.
You have to accept that you are alike.
Just like I have to jump into the water.